Jack Tomascak

Feb. 12, 2012 at 7:37pm with 398 notes

Reblogged from kimyadawson

I am not going to assume how Whitney died. Maybe it was drugs. Maybe it was illness. Maybe it was sadness. Maybe her heart failed her. Maybe it was a combination of things.

Regardless of HOW she died the fact is she died AND she was an addict. When addicts die the shit talk becomes thick and painful on the web which just deepens the message to addicts who still suffer that they are pieces of shit. Which helps no one.

So here is what I wrote when Amy Winehouse died. If you are struggling, and reading a bunch of bullshit about Whitney that is lacking empathy, I hope this can be a little chunk of light during a hard time.

I get it. I love you.

“

I was rooting for Amy Winehouse. What a voice. RIP.

It was barely a month past my 26th birthday when I drank & drugged myself into a coma. Got out of ICU & spent a week w/ a friend’s mother. My friend’s mom was a nurse & she kept a close eye on me until I could go to inpatient. I did 3 weeks in a dual diagnosis facility in Tacoma. The inpatient program was for people with addictions coupled with mental illness. A week after my release was the first Moldy Peaches show. With every loss of a young artist and addict I cry and cry and so much gets stirred up inside of me. I was so fucking lucky that night. My friends were there as I convulsed and threw up blood and choked on my vomit. They carried me down the stairs and drove me to the ER. People who don’t struggle with addiction should never assume someone should simply “clean up their act”. Recovery is battle every single day.

I need absolutely no sympathy right now. I’m alive. My gratitude grows & grows. I just wish for strength & self love & support for everyone.

I know that no one can “save” anyone else but know if you’re struggling right now that I love you & hope you can find a way to love yourself. Whether you struggle with addiction, mental illness, or whatever I HAVE GOT YOUR BACK and believe you can pull yourself up and start to heal. If you had told me then what the journey I was about to embark on would encompass I very well would have laughed and spit in your face. The first few years of recovery weren’t all love and light. There were fun and amazing moments, but a lot of darkness and getting real. I didn’t get better. Life didn’t miraculous become easy peasy. I learned tools & coping mechanisms that help me not get swept up by despair.

One of the best things I learned was to separate myself from my emotions. And let them be a part of my experience rather than my identity. When I can stop & identify feelings I can say “I’m experiencing grief & anxiety (or whatever) right now” then those feelings don’t own me. I can value the richness of each emotion without clinging to or pushing away any particular feelings. I feel them all and move through them.

Getting honest and accountable and learning to let go are also huge for me. Not letting myself isolate. Helping myself by helping others…. I have read tons of books from different recovery programs. I have been to all kinds of meetings. I have talked to thousands of people. It requires constant work to not go back down that road. Being able to truly appreciate life’s ups, downs, twists, turns makes it worth it. Find some kind of group or program or community. Tell your story. Speak it or sing it or write it down. Get honest. Dig deep. Listen to or read about other people’s journeys. Know that no matter how alone you feel you are absolutely not alone. You were never alone.

The tattoos on my arms cover many scars. I starting burning myself YEARS before I started drinking or had heard of other “self mutilators”. But there isn’t a self inflicted scar on these arms less than 12 years old. Imagine these arms wrapped around you and squeezing tight. When I was in the middle of it all I would have fucking hated the me that I am being now and felt all this blather was bullshit. To those of you who think all this sounds impossible I hope some of these ideas stick and someday it starts to come together for you.
” —Kimya Dawson’s reaction to the death of Amy Winehouse, via Twitter July 23, 2011.